Imagine that you are driving home from the supermarket and somebody pulls into your lane, without warning. You slam on the brakes and all your groceries end up spilling onto the floor of your car. Then you notice it’s one of your friends driving the other car. How do you feel?
OK. Now imagine the exact same situation again: the car, the traffic, the car swerving into your lane, the groceries all over the floor. The other driver is not known to you. This time, how do you feel?
The facts are the same in each case: annoyed, frustrated, the shopping all over the car. But when you feel personally picked on, everything feels worse. The thing is, most of what bumps into us in life – including emotional reactions from others, traffic jams, illness, or mistreatment at work – is like an impersonal event put in motion somewhere else in the world.
Imagine a friend is surprisingly critical toward you. It hurts, for sure, and you need to address the situation This may range from talking about it directly to disengaging from the relationship altogether.
But also consider what may have caused that person to swerve into you lane (life!), such as: interpretations and misinterpretations of your actions; their personal health problems, pain, worries or anger about other things, temperament, personality, childhood experiences; causes from the larger context, like our economy and culture or world events; and causes back upstream in time, like how his or her parents were raised.
When you step into the other person’s shoes, so to speak, you put the situation in context and gain a different perspective. This objectivity helps to bring clarity and a reduction in negative emotions.
What would happen if you decided to really enjoy taking things less personally?
A few ideas:
When you ‘took it personally’ notice what unhelpful thought or images went through your mind. What disturbed you? What did those thoughts/images/memories mean or say about you or the situation? What am I responding to?
Then, STOP and take a breath.
Ask yourself ‘is this fact or opinion’? What would someone else say about this situation? What’s the bigger picture? Is there some other way of seeing it? Is this really as important as it seems?
Then ask: ‘What could I do differently? What would be more effective?
Remember, if you act wisely and do what works, things will be different.
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